Alive

Sometimes i wonder why i stay alive...

Life

Life isnt even worth it no more.

Reaching

Every reaching out message o send to someone gets ignored... even by the people i dont get along with roght now but figured no matter what... theyd be with me through something like this... i was so wrong. Guess thats why its so easy to say fuck you to the people i thought would be there for me... word of advice dont trust someone who says if you need me ill be here... cause in all reality... theyll be the last person to text you back.

Sum1

Wish i had someone/anyone right now to be with me right now... not feeling good... @all.... :'-(

There.

I feel really lonely tonight... everyone i keep turning to, keeps pushing me away... i know i come with a lot of baggage, but just give me a chance. i dont dwell on my shortcomings... but just.. just.. be there for me... thats all i want, is someone to be there for me. . . . . . 

Liffee

And you still talk to me like im a piece of shit dont matter if my mom died or not... you sure r staying in character... fuck life...

I just wanna die now... please. Thanks...

Support

... 4 years... alls it took was 4 years for God to take BOTH of my parents... i dont blame him... but im numb... i dont know what to do anymore... and i just want support... i want someone here for me...and iaint got nobody that i want... no one... i have the absolute worst luck... ever... i really hate my life...both of them... r gone... bye.

LIFE

 I HOPE YOUR LIFE IS JUST SWELL WITHOUT ME NOW. I REALLY DO HOPE SO, IF IT AIN'T YOUR PRETTY GOOD AT ACTING LIKE IT IS. HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. WISH I WOULD HAVE NEVER MET YOU SO I WOULDN'T HURT LIKE THIS. I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE.... I JUST WANNA FRIGGIN' DIE RIGHT NOW...

I really hate my life right now...and guess whos fault it is? Mine, right. My fault i dont have anybody right now... ya its true... its all my fault... all of it... my fault that everything keeps piling up on me... i dont want this anymore... i really dont... i guess i just have to deal with her death, on my own... lets see if i can do this on my own... :...(

Fault

ITS ALL MY FAULT... YEA, IT IS ISNT IT... ITS ALWAYS BEEN ALL MY FAULT... ALWAYS... AND NOW I CANT STOP CRYING... AND WHODO I HAVE... NOONE. I WANNA DIE NOW... THANKS... BYE...

Wow

Ya,thanks for not even acting like you care... doesnt matter that my mother just died or anything. Why dont you go fuck your nice boyfriend again and care only about yourself. Good friend, good friend... goodbye. Asshole.

actions

I hate reaching out to people, and then they don't respond to me... I just want you to know that i just tried, and you let me down, so dont come to me when you "miss" me or need something because truth is i wont be there. you know why? because you feel no remorse... because you don't even care about me. your actions show it.. and actions speak louder than words. 

Over

You know its over when you can here their voice on the phone and not feel a dang thing.

...

It was AMAZING! Fuck you man... When I asked how it was, I didn't really mean tell me the truth. how heartless can you be...Obviously really heartless, cause you got it in as soon as you caught a break... that's sad, and that's how I know, that I know, that I know, there is and will never be any way to fix our friendship. cause its done... forever. got three days down... 18 more to go, than my 21 days will be over, and ignoring you and not being in your life, will be routine. Can not wait. AND heard today that I CAN graduate now... then ALL connection to you will be cut. can't bloody wait. 

Broken

I am absolutely broken... totally broken. But im a hypocrite? Okay, ill take that... even tho you KNOW there is a difference.

And now I am broke... gave my last few dollars to someone who needed it i guess. and now my phone is going to get shut off, and imma run outta gas, and imma be scraping by... again... i hate my life. and I'm alone without any friends anymore... this is great, i have nothing, cept God... i gotta hold on to that than, cause right now, i can truly say, he Is ALL i got. and honestly... hes all i need. we'll see how life pans out now. 

Good-Bye

Why is this happening to me... I can't get it out of my head, make everything go away... please... i know i may sound like a hypocrite to some people? but i ain't, i  did it without anything there, you did it and then got into a relationship... and you were already pursuing it... it sucks... i feel  like absolutely nothing. i feel like dying... but you know what... i got to get over it, scratch that... i am going to get over it. I'm finished, goodbye facebook, goodbye any connection whatsoever. Imma miss Davis City... I love Davis City, and everyone in it... Goodbye ;-(

:(

NEVER been more depressed through this whole stuff... please go away please make it go away... please, please, please LORD PLEASE... :..........(

I am Heart-Broken... make it go away, away, away... please... nothing like this feeling

The person

Wow... two days and you already went after it... dang, thats all it took. Jeesh, i feel loved... oh ya, really cared bout... but its okay dont worry no worries here, im so happy you finaley got what you always wanted and the person youve always chosen.

Monday, my number one priority is to go to my administrator, or counselor and ask if i can graduate now, as soon as possible so i can get this job, and my own place, i have to start looking at what i need for my own mental status, because right now... its not looking too good... I hope they cooperate and see that i need this, i don't need any more credits accept for my PE, but hopefully they will just let me take a test, or write an essay to make up for it, i really need this, and i really want this, hopefully they will work with me, i need it really badly. cross your fingers... 

Hey

Another good day... well i had my moments i guess, i get angry too fast, and frustrated... i need to quit that. Kinda disappointed i didnt get to see gpa alL day cause he was at his moms for a birthday. I wish, he had a better life... less worries... better luck. Played football with friends. Hurt my knee, arm, neck, and got my upper lip swollen haha. All worth it for the good memories that were made... love it here, wanna be here all the time. Im happy here. Hate thinking of leaving. Think imma buy a fourwheeler though, thats exciting though. and since i have opportunity passport for being in foster care, ill get my money matched and definately be able to get a good one. i feel like im getting my best friend back, and it makes me wanna cry out of happiness because thats all i really wanted... listening to rascal flatts "changed"  talks about God and stuff... its a good song... God be with me at all times, i know you are. I love you, Amen. --- cant remember when this was written, but it looks like i didnt get it published, i think it was the the time after the last post where i was happy, i know theres only like two, so if your interested then you figure it out lol
.

Observations

You say... that I don't care,  but then, when i try and be there for you, you don't talk to me. It's too bad that it seems like, me being in your life, has an on off button. come to me when you don't have anything better, but as soon as you find something better, your the first to high tail it outta here. 

Bad day

Why am i blamed for stuff i cannot control... i dont understand it... Im done with everything... im done trying to please you all the time, doing everything you ask me,and never getting any recognition for it, just a one night stand and then after that everything goes back to they way it was. Im fed up with it,and if im such a bad person and friend than hopefully you benefit from this separation because its gonna be hard as hell for me, thats for damn sure. But i dont wanna ruin your life anymore ya know... whatever. Fly away birdy, just fly away, cause the "cage" i guess i keep you in is just too much for you to handle. Its ok tho, everyone will be led to believe im the bad guy, so its whatever... maybe your precious little friend will talk shit about me to people at school again. Owell, not really my problem anymore i guess. I gave you all my heart... and it still wont hasnt and isnt enough. Whatever.

Bad guy

I hate how lately im always yhe bad guy... you cant shut your mouth, what we argue and have issues about has nothing to do with anyone else except for us... im tired of it. Getting embarrassed infront of YOUR friends and YOUR people. So everyone thinks its my fault... its not okay, im fed up with it, i cant wait to get out of here and get back to des moines, because im beyond done, im not a bad person, but just because i feel... and we have arguments, you and EVERYONE else thinks i am the bad guy... forget that. Imma get another job, get my own place and start something new... get out of this unhealthy situation for everyone... im fed up, and im done. Forever. I have no more feelings towards you. None.

Hm

Not a good day, i dont know why, not really a reason, thats why im kinda stayin away from everyone, dont wanna be mean to anyone.

Another day...

Today = not too shabby... i love days like these, i hope it sticks around, but something in my brain, or my heart, or my soul... is just not trusting my happiness. I know its. Good thing, and i love feeling happy... but its Davis City, i can always find ways to surpress feelings i have, or its easier for me to hold things back? Or not think bad things at all? I love it here, popultion 200 sumthin, i never wanna leave... but i know i have to... and when i do, des moines, i wi meet you again... and all the heartache and disppointment that comes with you... -_-

Come

Run after me, just once, show me you still love me, show me you still care... i know your tired of chasing, but just once more, show me your heart, show me you still want me here, on this earth... show me i still have a flesh and bone person that relies on me living... show me... just show me... cause trust me, id much rather bypass this pain and be with my father again, than deal with what i have to on earth right now. . . Show me... hear me... ^^^^^ silence_____________________________

One

So, i ask... why arent you here for me right now, when i need you... how come knowing i wanna die, you let me walk by myself when im upset at night and be gone for 2 hours without even a "are you okay?" They say "cause you already said no one can help. And you say you hate me all the time, if you already have your mindset on killing yourself, what am i supposed to do about it, i cant do nothing... so whats the point" well if im not worth fighting to keep alive, than why am i still? If im not worth your time and energy... that why do i continue on this road of lostness... and just an fyi... there is no way in hell i would kill myself over your dude... maybe if youd stop being so selfish and realize your not the biggest problem in my life (u r one, but definately not the biggest) i wouldnt resent you or hate you so much for not being here for me... "its funny when your dead how people start listening" does it really have to take me dying for you to listen to me... for you to be on MY side... for you to just open your eyes and see that alls i want is one gesture showing that im a priority in your life... pick ME. Im begging you, to just see that i need you, that i need you to be there. Logic has nothing to do with it anymore... lose that mindset and you'll see... #sometimes you just gotta stop thinking "logic" and start realizing that logic doesnt rule our world... emotions do... unfortunately.

Rude...

Just becuse i tell you something about my life, doesnt give you the right to let everyone know about it. Friends dont do that. And in case your wonder what it is i told her... when i was little and lived with my parents, we didnt have money... at all, so we kids, me and my two brothers, had to wash our clothes in the bathtub with. Shampoo. Now that is a personal thing that i dont go around telling everyone, so id appriciate it if my "friends" didnt either.

Friend/lack of...

Theres one person in this world who always gets the best of me... and the only person i look to for comfort, yet, shes the ONLY one that doesnt try and give it, i hate that thats how i feel. I hate that i depend so much on this girl to help me. Shes uncapable of doing so. It sucks when u reach a point in your life, and the only person you want to be there for you, is nowhere to be found, even when shes standing directly infront of me for the majority of my day. Its sad and "pathetic" (a nice word i was called by this person who shall not be named tonight) i guess thats what happens though, isnt it. Invest all you have into a person nd get shot down multiple times... word of advice, dont depend on anyone but yourself... and if you believe... God too.

Names

Why is it that when someone says a name... or brings up someone in a sentance or a conversation it can turn your day into total crap... i hate that it happens to me... cause it happens all the time, i wish that their name could just completely be destroyed... is that possible? Maybe ill make a petition... great idea... fml, like always.

Today

So... today, i was supposed to get my check for survivior benifits (social security insurance) from my dad... that i get every month... now mind you, ive had trouble with the ssi office for the last 4 months... and today i didnt recieve me payment because i had the wrong account number... now i have to wait 7-10 days to recieve my money... not like i have bills to pay or anything... awesome... and then i go to therapy with my old foster mom and my therapist asks her if me moving back in would be an option? And she says... "no, our work schedule is just too busy"... like, really? Oh and lets not forget my 7 year long friendship being torn apart... why is this even happening... and they wonder why i dont wanna live anymore... i havent had a "good day" in 6 months... i'm about to give up...

Day's go by.

So, my dad died when I was 13 years old... I am 18 years old as of last November. and still to this day, it feels like yesterday that he past away. I am not proud of some of the things my father has done, but I do wish people would try and understand that this pain I feel... is very real, and shouldn't be shot down. You should never tell someone that "it's time to get over" a person they spent their whole life looking up to, you have no right to say that to someone... and unfortunately, I've heard that a lot. But they don't understand what a day in my life is like, with every day that passes, I lose a memory. His scent, his laugh, the color of his eyes, the grinding of his teeth, the words "baby girl" flowing out of his mouth, and my reply of "daddy" I will never get to utter those words again, but that's no big deal right... think before you speak, we are all human, we all have feelings... Don't assume, and don't be ignorant... thank you and good day...

Don't Forget

How many times a day do you hear somebody say, "Hey, don't forget" to do something, or say something, or remember something. And how many times a day do you end up forgetting that "something" you weren't supposed to forget? A lot right? I know I need to work on that.